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Students. Faith + Swagger. We're just a group of students trying to figure it all out.
Most people think my life is perfect, but they don't know what is under my mask. This mask is something I want to get rid of, but it's hard. It all started a long time ago. I was only 3 or 4 years old... I can't really remember. I was abused. I will not go into details, but it effected my life in so many ways. If I could give you a piece of advice, I would say you need to forgive and move on. When I turned 14 I was a very curious person. I would remember things from my abuse. I could not handle it. I blamed God. I was angry. What I did next consumed me for the next three years. I did not think it was a big deal at first. All I did was grab a plastic knife and put 12 cuts on my wrists. I was angry at everyone and everything. I hated God, my parents, my counselor, my friends... Everyone. I blamed it on my abuse and my parents. I did not want to live. I did not want to wake up- ever. I was done. The next thing I knew after putting cuts on my wrists my mom was driving me to the hospital. I did not know until we were almost there. I did not understand. I was afraid and totally freaked out. I knew there was something wrong with what I was doing, but I finally felt something besides depression. I talked to four doctors about the same things. I resented my parents for bringing me to the hospital to talk about my problems with people did did not know. After that everything became a blur... I cut myself with whatever I could find. I never left my room unless I was forced to. I had dark clothes and make-up on 24/7. The hardest part was I did not tell anyone at school for the first three months I was cutting. I felt alone and I did not want to let anyone in. I would cut hardest when I was angry. They were up and down each arm, a few on my legs and belly. My life was falling apart. On the outside of my mask I smiled, told everyone I was fine, covered up my arms so no one would know. I did what people told me to do but on the inside I was screaming for help. My heart was stabbed with knives. My family did not trust me... looking to see any signs of cuts. When my family stopped trusting, me I was alone. My hope fell and I was going to die. I told myself I would do it. Many nights I lay awake thinking about it. I took out blades from pencil sharpeners and hid them from my parents. I would use them whenever I did not get what I wanted or was sad, angry or depressed. I was drowning in a hole of bitterness and anger. My world was crashing all around me. I finally started to talk to my parents again and we made a lot of compromises about things (and rules) I was not happy about. I told my parents I was sorry for only thinking of myself. I was so selfish and I did not even care. Now my life is like any other person. I quit cutting, I love my family and life is good. I have a wonderful boyfriend and I have plenty of friends at school. Life is definitely worth living! If you or someone you know is talking about killing themselves, please try to think before making any major decisions. Ask people if they are okay. Take it seriously. Do not be alone. God never meant to make you do things alone. Your life might be really hard, but please don't compare your life to others. One other thing... Depression can cloud your mind, so don't do anything until you get help.
God is here for you, just take his hand. He will guide you in the way you should go. If you need suicide help, please call: 1-800-273-TALK.
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