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When I was in elementary school I was bullied pretty much everyday and started hating myself more and more. The things they would say tore me apart. They told me I was insane because of my disabilities and that I wouldn't get anywhere in life because I was fat, stupid and slow. The criticism and hatred towards me has made me negative and hateful toward myself. When someone gives me a compliment I shoot it down. It's not that I WON'T believe it. It's that I CAN'T believe it. It's almost impossible. It's like a war inside my head. When someone tells me I look beautiful, it gets replaced by criticisms of the past. The battle wears me out, therefore I choose not to fight it. Unfortunately God waited 11 years to show me the reason for my struggle. The bullying went on from kindergarten to 10th grade. I started to wonder if God cared about me like the pastors said He did.
I mean, I would go home crying and asking God, "Why are you making me go through this? I'm just a kid. I don't want to deal with this!" It didn't seem like God loved me if He made me go through that, but everything happens for a reason. Unfortunately God waited 11 years to show me the reason for my struggle. As the years went by, I started to observe the people who were bullying me instead of just being the victim. I watched people who were being bullied and watched how they reacted. I learned to react differently than others would. Now I know not to be mean back, but to stand up for myself the correct way or walk away, if I'm able. I learned people don't bully others just to be mean. Life may be hard for them. They might not have a father or a mother to come home to. They might not get enough attention at home or have people who care, so they bully others to get attention. They also might have an abusive parent, therefore they are abusive toward others. Some people might want to act tough to let others know not to mess with them. One might have a popular family. In other words, one's parents might be popular and they expect their child to be popular. They bully to stay popular. Unfortunately some people do bully just to be mean. I have yet to figure out why, but I'll figure it out someday. So, the reason I think God allowed me to be put through all this bullying is so I can understand people better and learn safe ways to defend myself and others.
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When I was in third grade I started gaining weight and getting bullied everyday. My parents were having problems and then they eventually got a divorce. I felt like I was torn. During that time something happened to me I don't like talking about... but it went on for years. Sometimes I would cry myself to sleep at night. I was broken and hurt and all I could do was be angry. I hated everyone and everything. I was gaining more weight and I got depressed.
It got worse in 6th grade. I had started cutting and I felt like I was a nobody. Seventh grade got worse. I started cutting more and more. I wanted to die everyday. I would tell myself, "You're a no good, fat loser." I was cutting on my wrists, but people would notice so I started cutting on my thighs. I think I have tried to kill myself two or three times. I cried everyday. I felt as though I had something, then I didn't. More stuff started happening. I was having problems with my dad. He was upset with me for smoking a vape and piercing my nose. Eighth grade is better now. I haven't been cutting a lot, but I recently just did. My depression is getting better, but I'm still having trouble with anger. I still struggle with confidence. I don't trust anyone. I am tired of getting hurt. Sometimes I think I need help because of the thoughts and actions I have. A lot of people believe that if you do commit suicide it is just a ticket to hell because you just wasted your life for nothing. I believe if you are a Christian you do go to heaven, but if you do and you're not a Christian you won't. Confidence. The word I choose is confidence. I choose this word because it is something I need to work on. I don’t have confidence in myself, the way I look. I don’t like the way I look. I feel like I need to wear makeup everywhere I go. I will never be seen without makeup in public. Another thing is other people... Everyone around me is pretty and skinny. I feel as though I need to look like them to fit in. I feel I need to work on confidence because I need to be happy with who I am, and not who I’m not. |
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