What We Want You to Know
Students. Faith + Swagger. We're just a group of students trying to figure it all out.
Do You Go to Heaven if You Kill Yourself? (Each Swaggy Disciple researched and formed his/her own opinion on this difficult topic.) My opinion is you do not go to Heaven if you kill yourself. Murder is forbidden in Scripture, including murdering oneself. You are of great value. If you commit suicide you are not ending it at all. You still exist, but now with the regret of killing yourself. You will answer to God for what you did, including suicide, and for wasting your opportunity to serve God and others. "...And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire." Revelation 20:15 (KJV) If you're having a hard time you should not be alone. Go get help. Quit comparing your life to others. God made you who you are for a reason. He made you special in your own way.
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When I was in third grade I started gaining weight and getting bullied everyday. My parents were having problems and then they eventually got a divorce. I felt like I was torn. During that time something happened to me I don't like talking about... but it went on for years. Sometimes I would cry myself to sleep at night. I was broken and hurt and all I could do was be angry. I hated everyone and everything. I was gaining more weight and I got depressed.
It got worse in 6th grade. I had started cutting and I felt like I was a nobody. Seventh grade got worse. I started cutting more and more. I wanted to die everyday. I would tell myself, "You're a no good, fat loser." I was cutting on my wrists, but people would notice so I started cutting on my thighs. I think I have tried to kill myself two or three times. I cried everyday. I felt as though I had something, then I didn't. More stuff started happening. I was having problems with my dad. He was upset with me for smoking a vape and piercing my nose. Eighth grade is better now. I haven't been cutting a lot, but I recently just did. My depression is getting better, but I'm still having trouble with anger. I still struggle with confidence. I don't trust anyone. I am tired of getting hurt. Sometimes I think I need help because of the thoughts and actions I have. A lot of people believe that if you do commit suicide it is just a ticket to hell because you just wasted your life for nothing. I believe if you are a Christian you do go to heaven, but if you do and you're not a Christian you won't. Most people think my life is perfect, but they don't know what is under my mask. This mask is something I want to get rid of, but it's hard. It all started a long time ago. I was only 3 or 4 years old... I can't really remember. I was abused. I will not go into details, but it effected my life in so many ways. If I could give you a piece of advice, I would say you need to forgive and move on. When I turned 14 I was a very curious person. I would remember things from my abuse. I could not handle it. I blamed God. I was angry. What I did next consumed me for the next three years. I did not think it was a big deal at first. All I did was grab a plastic knife and put 12 cuts on my wrists. I was angry at everyone and everything. I hated God, my parents, my counselor, my friends... Everyone. I blamed it on my abuse and my parents. I did not want to live. I did not want to wake up- ever. I was done. The next thing I knew after putting cuts on my wrists my mom was driving me to the hospital. I did not know until we were almost there. I did not understand. I was afraid and totally freaked out. I knew there was something wrong with what I was doing, but I finally felt something besides depression. I talked to four doctors about the same things. I resented my parents for bringing me to the hospital to talk about my problems with people did did not know. After that everything became a blur... I cut myself with whatever I could find. I never left my room unless I was forced to. I had dark clothes and make-up on 24/7. The hardest part was I did not tell anyone at school for the first three months I was cutting. I felt alone and I did not want to let anyone in. I would cut hardest when I was angry. They were up and down each arm, a few on my legs and belly. My life was falling apart. On the outside of my mask I smiled, told everyone I was fine, covered up my arms so no one would know. I did what people told me to do but on the inside I was screaming for help. My heart was stabbed with knives. My family did not trust me... looking to see any signs of cuts. When my family stopped trusting, me I was alone. My hope fell and I was going to die. I told myself I would do it. Many nights I lay awake thinking about it. I took out blades from pencil sharpeners and hid them from my parents. I would use them whenever I did not get what I wanted or was sad, angry or depressed. I was drowning in a hole of bitterness and anger. My world was crashing all around me. I finally started to talk to my parents again and we made a lot of compromises about things (and rules) I was not happy about. I told my parents I was sorry for only thinking of myself. I was so selfish and I did not even care. Now my life is like any other person. I quit cutting, I love my family and life is good. I have a wonderful boyfriend and I have plenty of friends at school. Life is definitely worth living! If you or someone you know is talking about killing themselves, please try to think before making any major decisions. Ask people if they are okay. Take it seriously. Do not be alone. God never meant to make you do things alone. Your life might be really hard, but please don't compare your life to others. One other thing... Depression can cloud your mind, so don't do anything until you get help.
God is here for you, just take his hand. He will guide you in the way you should go. If you need suicide help, please call: 1-800-273-TALK. Choices The word I chose is choices. The choices I make this year are, in my opinion, some of the most critical choices I will ever make. I am 17 and in my senior year of high school. The choices that I make will determine my career what kind of person I will become... if I become completely rebellious or an angel child. Most importantly these choices determine if I live the godly lifestyle that I’m supposed to (and want to) live. There are two other words that play into choices. They’re words that are in my life every day: self-control and perseverance. I make the choice to have self-control. For instance, I choose to keep my mouth shut when I’m angry or to keep my hands to myself. I make the choice to persevere. For instance, I persevere when I become anxious I choose to wait until I can decompress. Instead of running away in fear and defeat or if I’m in pain, I can choose to persevere as long as I can and give it my all. Choices is my word for this year. I pray that I can make the right choices. If I make wrong choices, I hope I learn from them. Confidence. The word I choose is confidence. I choose this word because it is something I need to work on. I don’t have confidence in myself, the way I look. I don’t like the way I look. I feel like I need to wear makeup everywhere I go. I will never be seen without makeup in public. Another thing is other people... Everyone around me is pretty and skinny. I feel as though I need to look like them to fit in. I feel I need to work on confidence because I need to be happy with who I am, and not who I’m not. |
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